“Why are you crossing the road?,” demanded Police Sgt. Esteban Cáceres of the City of Woodbury police.

“Why are you crossing the road?,” demanded Police Sgt. Esteban Cáceres of the City of Woodbury police, speaking directly to the chicken.

The chicken was attempting to cross the very busy intersection of County Routes 534 and 551, known locally as Broad and Cooper Streets.

“Squirrels, deer, even dogs and cats cross the roads in Woodbury all the time–––and the cops never ask any questions whatsoever,” noted Bradley Methfessel, proprietor of Methfessel’s Paints on Cooper Street. “It’s just not fair that the cops pick on the chickens all the time.”

As recounted by local historian Brant Newbel, local native Americans called the place where the city of Woodbury was to be founded, “Piscozackasing”, or, ‘place of the black burrs’. Woodbury was founded in 1683 by Henry Wood, a Quaker who had left Great Britain due to religious persecution. But it looks like chickens are being persecuted in this small town of 10,000.

“Can’t we live in a state where chickens can cross a road without their motives being questioned?,” said Adelaide Werbel, a longtime Woodbury homeowner and former City Council member.

Calls to Mayor of the City of Woodbury, Harry R. Riskie, went unreturned.

"The subway is really scary," shared Nets Center Lopez. "All the lettered and numbered trains was very confusing."

“Welcome to Brooklyn, Mother F$#%kers,”

In an effort to save money, the former New Jersey Nets Assistant Traveling Secretary, Joshua Ira Mandelbaum, went on MapBlast to give directions to the school bus driver carrying the team to their new home. They almost did not make it to their new home, the Barclays Center on Atlantic Avenue.

After more than four hours of getting lost, several players were left off on Atlantic Avenue, while bus diver Ernie Mantusso of  Newark “went to look for street parking, to avoid paying $32 for parking in a near by lot.”

“Mandelbaum gave me a hand drawn map, and a twenty for tolls. After the Bayonne Bridge, I think we got stuck on Staten Island for about two hours,” said the 82 year-old Mantusso.

Backup center Johan Petro, and guards Deron Williams and Anthony Morrow were de-pants by two members of the Brooklyn gang, the Flatbush Avenue Sharks. The two-gang members also took the players’ per diem lunch money.

“Welcome to Brooklyn, Mother F$#%kers,” the players were told, as the Sharks drove away.

“I was gonna buy a strawberry cheesecake at Juniors with my money,” said an emotionally teary Petro. “That’s no way to treat new neighbors,” sniffled Williams, as Nets Athletic Trainer Tim Walsh helped the disheveled 6’ 3’ guard from Illinois pull up his pants.

Brooklyn Nets starting center Brook Lopez traveled to the Modell’s at Atlantic Avenue by NJ Transit and New York City subway, where he became the first player to represent the Brooklyn Nets, sporing a team cap and pin while addressing media at the team’s brand identity launch event.

“The subway is really scary,” shared Lopez. “All the lettered and numbered trains was very confusing.”

In a statement from Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov, the Russian billionaire recognized “that although the treatment was harsh, it was still better than the way bully New Jersey Governor Christie told the Nets ‘good riddance’.”

Asked about Christie’s comment, Nets coach Avery Johnson didn’t seem too fazed. ”Everybody has an opinion. We’re moving on. And hopefully we’ll move on and be successful in Brooklyn…and our players won’t be mugged again,” Johnson told reporters.

“The governor's personal medical history is just that––personal," noted Christie spokesman, Michael Drewniak.

“We’ll get to the bottom of this”, says Senate President Sweeney.

New Jersey elected officials do receive medical coverage, that covers a wide range of medical ailments. However,  one thing that it should not be covering—-is hair removal.

In an official yearly audit by the Office of Budget Management, Deputy State Auditor Shirley Iris Luxenberg discovered an entry of a line item of the Executive Office of Gov. Chris Christie:

• “$72,000 for payments to the New Brunswick Hair and Skin Institute for ‘services rendered’ for the Office of the Governor between the months of March 2010 and January 2012.”

The New Brunswick Hair and Skin Institute did not immediately return our calls.

However, their website indicates that, “Nothing gives a person that bear-like aspect as much as a hairy back. While a hairy chest may be desirable for many as being manly, a pelt of hair covering the back is really an excellent candidate for Laser Hair Removal which will get rid of the hairy back problem.”

Michael Drewniak, Christie spokesman, noted, “The governor is entitled to medical coverage the same as any other elected official. Unless his medical condition affects his ability to govern––at which time the lieutenant governor is fully prepared to step in and lead New Jersey––his medical history, and personal medical choices shall remain––personal. End of conversation.”

An open public records request has been made for the time period from March 2010 and January 2012 as to the governor schedule, to determine whether Christie was so incapacitated during alleged sessions at the New Brunswick Hair and Skin Institute, that he was unable to govern.

One tweet,  from the governor’s personal twitter account, (@GovChristie) dated  April 27, 2011: ” This hurts like a son of a bitch!! #ouch #ThatswhoIam”.  The open public records request is due the second week in May.

"I desperately need a job. I have not worked since I was Massachusetts governor."

“I need a bailout for myself, Anne and our five kids.”

Unemployment isn’t just a middle class epidemic. In a recent financial report released by the government, Mitt Romney has been receiving unemployment benefits since the end of his governorship of Massachusetts.

Romney’s campaign staff defended the recent news by saying, “Unemployment benefits are entitled to Americans. Last time we checked, Mr. Romney is unemployed and is an American.”

Ann Romney, Mitt’s wife, took to Twitter yesterday to discuss their life being unemployed. In one of her tweets she said, “It’s not easy. The cars we own and the homes we own, aren’t free. How would we pay for this without help?” In a second tweet released by Mrs. Romney, she stated her dissatisfaction with the benefits.“I know people will make a big deal over this, but we don’t get much from the government. I wish we got more, it’s just not enough.”

As Romney gears up for an election clash with President Barack Obama, this may be the edge he needed to defeat the president.

“We know that the birds are mostly from New Jersey, but not completely identified the source of their anger. It could be the traffic or it could be property taxes.”

Dr. Lawrence Tipperwell, who holds the William J. Gladding Chair in the Department of Ornithology at the Rutgers University School of Life Sciences completed his study of the video game “Angry Birds”.

Angry Birds is a strategy puzzle video game developed by a Finnish computer developer. In the game, players use a slingshot to launch birds at pigs stationed on or within various structures, with the intent of destroying all the pigs on the playing field.

“The vast majority of the birds again —angry birds —are actually from New Jersey. There is the Fulvous Whistling-Duck, Ring-necked Duck and the Cackling Goose. And these birds are angry for various reasons,” observed Dr. Tipperwell. “As our little joke, we would like to list the birds as duck–duck–goose.”

Dr. Tipperwell received his doctorate from Oxford University School of Ornithological studies in 1979, and has been  at Rutgers since 1987.

“The loud cackling, the insane whistling are indications of not only annoyance but extreme anger. And the Ring-necked Duck gets made fun of all the time because of the unsightly ring around his neck,” noted Dr. Tipperwell.

Why are the birds so angry at pigs?

“We don’t know––we will have to leave that to  those who study the Sus scrofa domesticus,” chuckled Dr. Tipperwell.

What do you think?

"I will check out every lead on this issue vigorously, and this may take a while," said the former President.

President Barack Obama said on Sunday that the matter would be fully investigated and that agents assigned to protect him in Colombia were caught with prostitutes, saying he would be angry if the allegations proved true.

“However, I will not be angry if the allegations prove untrue. Additionally, if the allegations prove to be only half-true, then I will only be mildly angry,” noted Pres. Obama. “I have complete confidence that President Clinton will give this situation his undivided attention.”

Prostitution is legal in “tolerance zones” in Colombia and is also widely practiced outside those areas without sanction.

A U.S. source familiar with the situation said it appeared some of the agents had gone to a bar and brought back various friendly women who turned out to be asking for money when they got back to the hotel rooms.

“I will check out every lead on this issue vigorously, and this may take a while,” said the former President. “These types of matters need to be handled thoroughly, personally, and definitely internally.”

“Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made.”

“Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.”

In what is certain to be an astonishing turn of events, Ralph “Buddy” Simmons, a firefighter of the WEST WARD ENG. 11 / LADDER 11 –located at 345 SOUTH 9TH AVENUE ran into City Hall to help pass a stalled bill.

“I was walking past City Hall on Broad Street, when I heard cries for help coming from the second floor of the building. I ran into the building, without thinking or concern for my own safety,” said Simmons, a 12 year veteran of the Newark Fire Department.

At the time, the Newark Municipal Council members were arguing loudly over a “new ordinance that would impact something or other on the citizens of Newark… their quality of life… from all the yelling and screaming I heard, I know I didn’t have much time to help,” added Simmons.

Councilman Ras J. Baraka was yelling one thing, while Augusto Amador and Donald M. Payne, Jr. were shouting another, according to reports. Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.

Simmons immediately took control, calming down the frenetic members of Council. He carried both council members Ron Rice Jr. and Mildred C. Crump, over his shoulders out onto Broad Street to safety.

City officials say he was fortunate.

“The outcome was positive but it was a very dangerous decision to make and likely not to be successful if you are untrained and unequipped,” noted city of Newark spokesperson, Julia Garza-Martinez. Simmons was treated for ‘verbosity inhalation’ at the University of Medicine and Dentistry.

Firefighter Simmons is being hailed as a hero for running into the City Hall building to save this Bill. But city officials say that such actions often end badly.

“Laws are like sausages — it is best not to see them being made,” laughed Garza-Martinez.

"I forgot to wear my tin foil hat at the meeting, so many of the thought control waves from Corsi did come into my brain,”

“There were a number of things he rolled through in his presentation that quite frankly I thought were interesting. “

Assemblyman Anthony Bucco said the author of a controversial book arguing that President Obama is not eligible to be president “raised some interesting points” at a speech he attended Tuesday in Morristown.

Jerome Corsi of Denville and author of “Where’s the Birth Certificate? The Case that Barack Obama is not Eligible to be President” — gave a presentation this week at the Morristown Masonic Temple.

“I forgot to wear my tin foil hat at the meeting, so many of the thought control waves from Corsi did come into my brain,” admitted Bucco, a state representative of LD25 in Morris County.

“There were a number of things he rolled through in his presentation that quite frankly I thought were interesting. You don’t get to read about this other stuff, like passports and things he brought up where there were inconsistencies,” said Bucco, the Deputy Republican Leader.

Unusually at State Assembly meetings in Trenton, Bucco does wear a “protective tin-foil hat, to keep away the dangerous thought control rays of the Democratic leadership…concerning fake issues like global warming, gun control and marriage equality.” However, he neglected to bring it with to the Corsi meeting.

Morris County Republican Chairman John Sette said his party contributed towards renting the hall. “The Republican Party has a big tent in Morris County,” said Sette. “There’s lots of people who might have outlandish views in every spectrum in politics… we’re open to everybody and we believe in freedom of speech.” In Bucco’s case, that is a good thing.

“There were interesting points I wasn’t aware of, and it made me believe this thing wasn’t going away,” noted Bucco, as he readjusted the foil covering his head.

Juliana Forlano, host of the Ironic News Report

Absurdity Today! Formerly The Forlano Factor and before that The Ironic News Report!

Political News Satire at its best hosted by comedian Julianna Forlano.