By Marty Rudoy
BLOOMINGTON (NewS Satire)—
Indiana Gov. Sharon Spence has signed a bill that makes her state the first to ban the use of Viagra for male satisfaction. The anti-pleasure measure criminalizes Viagra’s use when motivated because of factors such as your partner’s “hotness,” “availability” or “momentary lapse of judgment”.
A spokeswoman for the all-female legislature called it a “comprehensive pro-life measure that affirms the value of all human life. Besides,” she said, “We’re tired of four hour side effects.” According to the law, the only permitted use is to unlock cars in the event you leave your keys inside. Men are calling this the ”Locksmith Loophole.”
Women feel this merely evens the marital playing field after centuries of dominance at the hands of men. “My husband used to take Viagra like jelly bellies, pop, pop, pop” complained Bree Hodgson of Gary. “Now Fred locks the keys in the car on purpose. It’s unnecessary since we have a convertible.”
The manosphere erupted in anger when the law was patiently womansplained to them. John Hodgkins, a protestor from Dubuque, said it signals a return to the days of men’s clandestine trips to back alley magazine salesmen for a peek at Legs, Grand Opening or Double Feature for last-minute inspiration.
“Leave our bodies alone,” declared Father’s Rights League chairman Bill Hackerton as he silently wept while perusing the latest virtual reality offering on Pornhub. “It is clear that women and their gyno-lackeys in the legislature have no time for men’s constitutional rights.”
In a small victory for men, Ted Ferndorf, a lobbyist for the drug’s manufacturer Pfizer, got the lock exception inserted into the law. “With the Locksmith Loophole,” Ferndorf explains, “Viagra can legally be used to unlock chastity belts, and then whatever happens, happens.”