screen-shot-2016-10-04-at-3-09-28-pmRecently, Donald Trump Jr. compared the Syrian refugee crisis to a bowl of Skittles, asking us if we would eat a handful of Skittles knowing that there are three Skittles in the bowl that might kill you.

Leaving aside the fact that both refugees and Skittles both face a good deal of scrutiny before entering our mouths and country, Trump has a point. We can vet all we want but we will still never be 100% sure that no refugee will ever commit a crime or terrorist act at any point in the future. And as we know, anything that is not 100% safe is not welcome in America

In this case, let’s forget the vetting. We need to ban all refugees forever. In fact, we should ban all immigration. This way we can be completely sure that no one dangerous will come into the US, because no one will come into the US. We don’t have to ban immigration forever, just until the world is perfect and we’re sure nothing bad will ever happen. So forever.

However, if we follow this logic, we also have to take a look at our existing population. A lot of people commit crimes in America, and they can’t all be Muslims and Mexicans. How can we be sure any given American citizen isn’t dangerous? Some of them, I’m sure, are nice people, but we can’t know everything about everyone all the time, and that’s a problem.

We could vet American citizens, but we’ve already established that vetting isn’t enough. This leaves us with one option – we must deport all American citizens immediately, and then close the borders. The US should ban all human beings from the US to protect the interests of our great nation. Our cities and towns will be safer than ever before without a single living soul on their streets. Banning all Americans from America will reduce our crime rate to zero, and terrorist attacks on US soil will be a thing of the past.

Of course, removing all people from our land creates a new set of problems. We will have to vet other countries before we allow them to take in our citizens. However, this will bring us back to square one because we will end up in foreign countries face to face with many of the potentially dangerous refugees we were trying to keep out of the US before. We will have no choice but to create a registry of all non-Americans in New America, A.K.A. The Rest of The World.

I know what you’re thinking. We’re back to our vetting problem. Well, reader, you are correct, and that’s why it’s time to unveil the, if you will, final solution to all of this. If we can’t be safe from refugees, immigrants, American citizens, or people anywhere, we’ll have to kill all people. That’s right, I am proposing a policy that would solve the refugee crisis and all issues currently facing the United States and humanity at large.

After careful deliberation, I can say with certainty that there is no potential future scenario in which we can guarantee the American people will be free from any harm whatsoever at any given time. In such a case, I submit that there is no logical option left but to free all living beings from their earthly vessels and eliminate all possible interactions that could lead to anyone experiencing any distress of any kind.

I move that humane lethal private death chambers be made available to the richest 1% of the population. Everyone else is encouraged to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and then strangle themselves with those bootstraps.

Fuck off and die,


Joe Messina’s comedy has been described as cerebral, intellectual, and sanctimonious. But he thinks you can handle it.